So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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