Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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