Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
