I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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