woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
