Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
People in love make me want to vomit
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
