somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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