someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
