My liver just broke up with me...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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