peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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