I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
