Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
