He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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