you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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