i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
