I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
