sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
