I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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