If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
