You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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