you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
