She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
This is my life. Enjoy the view
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
