I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
