Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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