Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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