I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
