1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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