I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
