I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
