sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
