I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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