Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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