No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
