I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
