My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I supernannyed him into submission
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
