guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
