What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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