I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sorry about my life...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
