I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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