I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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