I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
