Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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