chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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