Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
