Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
