this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
