Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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