I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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