Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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