I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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