She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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