my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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