He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
