Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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