i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
