I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
