I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
