So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
