i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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