I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
