i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
