this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
