your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
